We all experience life’s ups and downs. But have you ever stopped to consider the fundamental difference in how you frame those experiences? It’s the difference between feeling like a victim of circumstance (things happening to you) and feeling like an active agent (things happening through you). This shift in perspective is the cornerstone of emotional maturity.
The “Happening To Me” Mindset: The Victim’s Tale
When you believe things are primarily happening to you, you place the control and the responsibility for your feelings and outcomes outside of yourself. This is the mindset of emotional immaturity.
| Focus | Trait | Outcome |
| External | Blame, complaint, helplessness | Resentment, stagnation, chronic dissatisfaction |
| Control | Zero | Powerlessness |
Examples of Emotional Immaturity
Here are examples of how the “happening to me” mindset manifests as immature or boastful behavior:
- Blaming/Complaining: “My team messed up the presentation, so I got chewed out by the boss. It’s totally their fault my review is bad.” (Externalizing failure and avoiding personal responsibility.)
- Boastfulness/Ego-driven Success: “I landed that huge client because I’m the only one here with the guts and talent to do it. The rest of the department is useless.” (Taking all credit, inflating one’s ego, and dismissing the contributions or efforts of others.)
- Self-Pity: “Why does this always happen to me? I can never catch a break! Everyone else has it so easy.” (Wallowing in helplessness and ignoring proactive steps.)
The “Happening Through Me” Mindset: The Agent’s Journey
The shift to “happening through me” is the essence of emotional maturity. It acknowledges that while you can’t control every external event, you can control your response, your effort, and your attitude. You become the channel, not the puppet.
| Focus | Trait | Outcome |
| Internal | Responsibility, choice, adaptability | Growth, empowerment, authentic satisfaction |
| Control | Internal response and effort | Agency |
Examples of Emotional Maturity
This mature perspective transforms how you handle both setbacks and success:
1. Handling Setbacks (Things you would normally see as ‘bad’):
- The Mature Response: “The client rejected our proposal. While I’m disappointed, I need to take a step back, analyze what I could have done better in the pitch, and then use that insight to improve the next one.”
- Why it’s mature: It accepts the reality of the failure, focuses on personal accountability and learning (the growth happening through you), rather than blaming external factors.
2. Handling Success (Things you would normally want to boast about):
- The Mature Response: “We secured the contract! I’m genuinely proud of the final result, and I’m grateful for the long hours the entire team put in. This success is a result of all of us working effectively together.”
- Why it’s mature: It acknowledges the personal effort but contextualizes the achievement within the larger system, demonstrating humility and gratitude (the positive outcome flowing through the collective effort).
3. Handling Personal Conflict (Things that hurt your feelings):
- The Mature Response: “My friend cancelled our plans unexpectedly, and it made me feel unimportant. Instead of getting angry, I’m going to recognize my feeling, ask them if everything is okay, and respectfully communicate that I’d like more notice next time.”
- Why it’s mature: It processes the emotion internally, assumes positive intent, and uses clear, respectful communication to set boundaries, making the interaction productive rather than explosive.
The Path to the Mature Mindset
Emotional maturity isn’t a destination; it’s a practice. Here are the keys to cultivating the “through me” mindset:
- Practice Response-Ability: When something happens, pause. Before reacting, ask yourself: “What is the most helpful way I can choose to respond right now?” The space between stimulus and response is your power.
- Separate Self-Worth from Outcomes: Your value is not determined by whether you succeed or fail. When you succeed, be grateful, not boastful. When you fail, be curious, not critical.
- Own Your Role (100/0 Principle): Take 100% responsibility for your actions, your reactions, and your effort, while accepting 0% of the credit for factors outside your control (like luck, other people’s actions, or external market forces).
The shift from to me to through me is the ultimate act of empowerment. It turns every event, good or bad, into an opportunity for growth, learning, and self-mastery.
Blue to Beyond 